Why I am a terrible blogger

You have probably noticed that I am a terrible blogger, infrequent, all over the place, no pictures. The no pictures is just because I’m lazy, but the infrequent is because I’m lazy AND because I’m easily daunted by the following:

“Oh man, I should totally blog about that dumb thing I just thought… hilarious. Surely the internet needs to know about the vanity plate I just saw that read GAS PAINS.”

(A few seconds pass.)

“But that’s only like a paragraph. You can’t have a blog post that’s just a paragraph!* Darn. Can I pad that with anything?”

(A few more seconds pass.)

“No.”

(Silent despair.)

“Ugh. I am so bad at blogging. It’s embarrassing! This is just another way for me to feel inadequate about myself as a writer! Writers don’t need any help with that! Pffffft. I’m going to read this article on Salon instead.”

This happens to me so frequently, you guys! Just today I was making myself laugh by thinking up a somewhat elaborate joke I would make to this producer about this project, except of course I can’t actually, because I don’t want people to know how ridiculous I am and instead I want to fool them into thinking that I am a competent professional. But anyway, after I thought about that joke and workshopped it in my brain until it was what I felt to be pretty good, and then after I got mildly “…” that it would just die aborning, I thought: “Hey! I should totally blog about that joke so it won’t go to waste! Oh… wait. That’s like a paragraph. YOU CAN’T POST TO YOUR BLOG WITH JUST ONE PARAGRAPH.”

And that’s when I had The Thought. What I clearly should do is start a Tumblr called something like JOKES I REFRAINED FROM MAKING IN PROFESSIONAL CONTEXTS BUT SPENT A LOT OF TIME WORKING ON ANYWAY. My first post will be something like “See, this movie is actually MOBY DICK. It’s about revenge. Also I’m going to break up the action with 10-minute blocks of people ruminating about whale penises.”

Except I would never do this, because I’m so lazy, and I don’t really know how to use Tumblr, I find it intimidating in its minimalism, and I’m sure that if I had a Tumblr then suddenly I would be like “Oh man, I should post about this joke I wanted to make but didn’t! Wait. I need to set that up. That’s going to take pages. NOBODY POSTS PAGES OF TEXT ON TUMBLR.”

Ad infinitum. I am so predictable.

(What if I have a Tumblr that’s just predictions of ridiculous things I will do in the next five minutes? WHAT ABOUT THAT, UNIVERSE?)

*I am, on the other hand, too verbose for Twitter. Who has time to be that succinct, man?!?

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6 Responses to Why I am a terrible blogger

  1. Please be on Twitter! After you spend some time there, it brings out the succinct in you.

    I feel like a series of blog posts I’d like to see from you is “agrarian-based ideas for scripts that I’m really excited about but get shot down by my manager before they have time to be born”.

  2. jengod says:

    Your writing in every medium is always stellar and a joy to read. You do whatever you want, format be damned.

  3. Anna says:

    I’m also troubled by the paragraph blog problem…! Wish I could think up jokes but fear i would also be too lazy to write them.

  4. ed.j. says:

    Mayhaps, you have a problem similar to mine; you write ‘after’ thinking. Once I’m done the thinking, I’m all like ‘meh, thought about that already; why would I type out again?’
    Type first, think after.

  5. mauvecoyote says:

    I totally get it. I can’t focus on blogging either.
    As for whale penises, they sell dried braided ones for dogs.

  6. Lloyd says:

    This blog post about why you’re such a terrible blogger is exactly why you’re such a great blogger.

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